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:: ranting ::
NOTE: this was posted somewhere else first... just a few minutes ago. and since i had written something to post on the web already, i thought, might as well start my blog now. i didn't have the excuse of not having anything to write about anymore. anyway, this is my first entry.

warning: the text below will most likely involve a fair amount of foul language mixed in with some self-pity, some self-abuse, a whole lot of self-centeredness, and is basically an attempt at blowing off steam. if you don't really know me, then don't waste your time reading this. if you know me, then you know this won't really tell you much about my mood except that it's not very good.

do not read this unless you have some time to kill. do not read this unless you really care about the fact that i'm feeling lousy now, or you are only looking for some entertainment and some other person's misery is entertainment for you. do not read this unless... well, basically, the point is, don't read this.

i've spent all day at home today, most of the morning in bed. i'm supposed to be doing a lot of other things, but i'm not. i'm supposed to be writing a review for a magazine i think i want to work for, but i'm not; should be working on my resume, but i'm not; supposed to be... but not.

i'm a hypocrite. i say that i don't have a lot of regrets in life... and i guess that is true. thing is, i don't give much thought to a lot of stuff, and that could be the reason for my lack of regret. i do know that right now, even though i like and enjoy doing a lot of what i'm doing, i'm not sure if i really love it. there... i think that's one of the things bugging me now. i don't really feel passionate about anything.

side note... going back to not giving things much thought. this is a rare occurrence: actually writing my thoughts down. i don't think i've ever kept a diary. i've considered starting a blog, but i've never actually gotten around to doing it. i can spend hours thinking about anything and everything under the sun, but that's as far as it goes. there is no way for me to remember what i've reflected on in the past, so i just mull over the most recent things that have happened to me... and i can get sidetracked really easily by the next thought that comes into my head... like this one.

now, getting back from being sidetracked, i have no passion. i could simply be tired, or i could be burnt out... but the one thing i know now is that i just want to rest. i just want to watch movies. basically, the only thing i want to actively pursue now is leisure, enjoyment, a good time. hmm... that didn't sound right. anyway...

what did i start with... yes, hypocrisy & regret. the first one... i think it's 'coz i tell people it's good to take time off just to think about what you want to do. ok, now i think i've tackled that. i don't. i have a lot of time to think, but i spend it doing other stuff. don't ask me what i'm afraid of thinking about... i haven't thought about it.

regret... i regret... hmm... i... i need to learn to say no. there are certain things i have to take care of that i just don't want to do now. this could be related to the previous point... i just say yes to doing anything i might even be remotely interested in... and when certain other things (that may be or may not be more interesting) come up, i have too much on my hands to take on that new thing. did that just make sense? anyway, the point is, i don't choose my battles. i know i give that same piece of advice out to others, so i know it's another example of hypocrisy, but anyway, that's beside the point [just a mention of a pet peeve, there is no such term as "BESIDES the point." but that, again, is beside the point.] the fact is, i'll take on things i'm not sure i really want to do for whatever reason... and i'll feel guilty if i don't. and now, i'm thinking i do this because i'm not really doing anything i love... not doing anything that i am really involved in. i have no focus, no one thing to pour all my energy into, so instead i end up putting a little bit of me into so many things, and i end up killing myself.

yes, this rant has gone on for quite some time, and yes, i'm still not done. thing is, like i mentioned earlier, i'm supposed to be doing other stuff.

for those who are actually reading this now, wow! either you have nothing better to do (in which case... nevermind), or you are genuinely interested in what i've written down (in which case i pity you - you obviously have nothing better to do). i just needed to blow off some steam, and well, i guess i have done that. i will not apologize for wasting your time because you read this all on your own. i did not kidnap you, did not take you by force and force you to endure my ranting. you have nobody to blame but yourself.